A GUIDE TO
WRITING SYMPATHY CARDS
What to write, what to avoid, and why showing up matters most
Someone you love has experienced a pregnancy or infant loss. Now what?
Sending a card is a meaningful first step. But if you’ve never been through a loss like this, finding the right words can feel impossible. This guide will help you know what to say, what to avoid, and how to make sure your person feels loved and supported in their grief.
Though this guide centers on bereaved parents, the same advice can help you support anyone through a loss.
ACKNOWLEDGE THEIR LOSS
Many people worry that mentioning the loss will upset someone who is grieving. It won’t. You aren’t reminding them of anything. They already think about it every day. So say it—tell them this is unfair, that it sucks, that no one deserves this kind of pain. Acknowledging what happened tells them you see them, and that matters more than finding the perfect words.
SAY THEIR CHILD’S NAME
This is so powerful. Seeing their child’s name written in a card can mean everything to a grieving parent. Not every baby is named before they die. If that’s the case, it’s okay to gently ask if there’s a name or phrase they’d like you to use.
Pro tip: when addressing the envelope and card, include the baby’s name along with the bereaved parent’s.
ALLOW THEM TO GRIEVE
Let them know it’s okay to feel sad, angry, or completely numb. It’s okay for them to fall apart and not be okay. Everyone grieves differently, and their grief may not look the way you expect. You can also acknowledge that they will never be the same. They lost a child, and that changes a person. Try not to put a timeline on their grief. They’ll need time, and loved ones who are willing to stay with them through it all, instead of waiting for them to “get over it.” That support makes a real difference.
DON’T EXPECT A RESPONSE
Once you’ve sent a card, let it go. They got it, and asking whether it arrived can make them feel pressure to reply or say thank you. That may be too much for them right now, and that’s okay. You can rest knowing you showed up for them and remembered their baby.
AFFIRM THEY ARE A GOOD PARENT
Regardless of the circumstances of their loss, losing a child was in no way their fault. They loved their baby, and would have done everything in their power to protect them. Remind them that they are, and always will be their baby’s mother, father or parent, and that will never change.
LISTEN TO THEIR STORY
If you’re open to it, let them know you’d love to hear about their baby whenever they’re ready. Ask about their pregnancy or birth story, or ask to see photos and hear the memories they hold. Treat them the way you would any new parent. If it fits their loss, ask how much their baby weighed or what time they were born. So many bereaved parents never get to share these details because their child died, and many people don’t think to ask. After all, every parent loves talking about their child.
WHEN IN DOUBT, SEND THE CARD
Bereaved parents remember who acknowledged their child and their grief. Whether it’s been a week, a month, or several years, it’s never too late to send a card. If you feel like it’s been too long, try something simple: “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know what to say, but I’ve been thinking of you and your baby.” It can mean more than you think.
When you can’t find the words, our cards for miscarriage, loss, infertility, and NICU stays can help you start.
Can’t get to the mailbox? We can write and send it for you.
THINGS TO AVOID
Sometimes knowing what not to write is just as helpful as knowing what to write.
Don’t compare their loss to your own experiences.
Even if you’ve lost a child yourself, your experience and theirs will be different. Offer your support and leave comparisons out.
Skip the platitudes.
Although these phrases are usually used and meant with kindness, they can be deeply hurtful after a loss. They also tend to stay with bereaved parents long after they’re said. A good rule of thumb: would you say it to someone whose spouse or partner just died?
If it feels hurtful, or you’re unsure, leave it out.
PLATITUDES TO AVOID
Anything that starts with “at least” (“At least it was early,” “At least you can try again”)
It was meant to be.
Heaven needed another angel.
Everything happens for a reason.
Don’t worry, it’s common.
You can always have another.
Give it time. You’ll feel better soon.
They’re in a better place.
It’s time to move on.
You’re so strong. You’ll get through this.
MORE WAYS TO SUPPORT YOUR PERSON
Looking for more ways to support someone through grief? We’ve put together a collection of gift ideas, books, podcasts, and communities for bereaved parents and anyone who is grieving… this might even include you. You can always browse our cards, stickers, and ornaments made for these moments.